I’m not sure how this is going to turn out. But just know my intentions come from a hopeful and loving place. I see so many post and comments and rants on social media regarding the significant other in their addiction. Although I can never and will never understand what I put my wife through, she will never understand what I put myself through as well. I am three years sober, and I am the addict that put my wife through hell. I am the addict you desperately hate with whatever strength I have not taken or stolen from you for drugs and alcohol. I am the addict that keeps on relapsing. I am the addict where one second everything is fine, and the next I’m off and running to get high. Either I stage an argument after a perfect Sunday with family and church or after promise after promise I still don’t come home for days. I don’t know the answer of how to get sober. But I do know what your addict would tell you, if he could. Because for thirty days I wrote my wife. Every single day sometimes twice sometimes even three times. However she never read the journal, nobody has. Until now.
I am going to randomly select some excerpts and comment on each in hopes for the loved ones of the addicted gain a little understanding and maybe even some hope.
July 27, 2012
“…I’m writing this because maybe it will help someone some day…I am absolutely mentally and physically exhausted. I just admitted back to rehab after a seven day binge…Pam and her family are divorcing me now…if only I knew the last days I spent cussing at her were going to be my last…Oh, I did know, she literally told me…’go get help.'”
My wife and I were both mentally and physically tired of my addiction. I spend the last year emotionally abusing her, because of the pain I felt when I didn’t use. And then when I did use, I was no where to be found. I got into a treatment center and really wanted to be there. When I admitted I was all for it. My wife and father took me. And even though I had not lived with my wife for over a year because of my addiction she was willing to stay with me as long as I got help. So I rolled into treatment with a good attitude. But then the withdrawal. There is no detox for meth. At most a 24 hour crash. So I kept calling my wife, and she told stop calling, work on yourself. But I couldn’t. I created arguments out of no where. I cussed her until she cried over the phone. I told I was leaving treatment. She said If I did it was over. I left and went on a 7 day binge. The only reason I went back was because no one wanted to sell to me anymore. And I knew my marriage was officially over, but if I went back maybe she would take me back. Again.
July 28, 2012
“…I made myself sick to my stomach last night thinking of her…maybe the picture I brought of her was a mistake, right now that picture is hurting not helping…I called her to let her know I was coming back…and wrote a letter to sincerely apologies for the drug use, my irresponsibility and for the way I treated her. The sorry’s were sincere but probably brought by the desperation of losing her…right now she still wants a divorce, but my heart is hanging on to its last little pump for one more chance. After the 1000 she’s given me…”
That was such a hopeless moment in my journey. I knew I had to get sober without her. I knew I had blown it after chance after chance she had given me. I knew that every messed up thing I did to her was all now coming back to me, and I could not be out there to tell her more lies, so she would not leave me. I had to face the truth. She was leaving me and I had to get sober with out her. And the I new the right thing to do was to let her go so she could heal herself after all the pain I caused her. I literally felt like ending my life, for everything I put her through.
July 29, 2012
“…I think of all the times I said fuck you, you fucking bitch and the four letter word I will never say again, and it makes me feel dead inside. I’m tired of the ‘I’m sorry’s’ and broken promises to you and I know you are too…I’m done telling you I’m sorry for the financial situation I put you and the girls in. I’m done telling you I’m sorry for cussing you until you cry. I’m done telling you I’m sorry for the accusing you of cheating with one of my friends. I know you are the most loyal wife ever. I’m not going to tell you I am sorry anymore, I know my apologies mean nothing.”
I was tired of all the lies and broken promise to my wife, just as much as she was. There was not anything I could tell her that was going to make anything better. I felt horrible, but maybe that what I was suppose to feel. No drug or drink this time to hide the feelings and emotions. I just had to sit there and take it, for the first time in my life.
So there is so much more to write, this is just the first few hours in. I hope this helps and I hope you and your loved one get the help you deserve, if you stay together or not.